It is crazy how fast time flies by! It’s already almost March. I read something interesting this morning. I know I’ve heard it before, but it meant more to me today. It was saying that we all are allotted the same amount of time in a day. We can’t hold time, and no one gets more hours in a day than anyone else. We can’t freeze time even if we want to. We waste and lose time we can’t get back.
That’s kind of a scary thought. Actually when I picture time in my mind constantly moving forward, I think of the Mario Brothers game on Nintendo. I guess the levels I’m thinking of in particular are in World 8 I believe on Mario Brothers 3. The screen moves you forward and you can’t go back if you forget or miss something. You also can’t move forward until it’s time to move forward, then the screen will allow you to move at the pace it wants you to move forward. (That is a little of my nerdy side coming out. For those of you who didn’t have as great of a child hood as I, here is a video to explain the game and levels. One of the levels I’m describing is at the 2:18 minute mark. )
Another concept of time I like is in this talk by Elder Anthony D. Perkins. Lesson 2 in this talk always helps me keep time in perspective. We can't always see the things that are coming up next in our life, but God has a reason for that, and we just need to trust him. Here is a link to that talk! Nevertheless I Went Forth
My plans for today included sleeping in, cleaning the kitchen, organizing my room, catching up in my journal, and of course hanging out with friends. While cleaning the kitchen I heard this song on my Pandora and I fell in love with it! It’s called “Bigger Than Love.” I like the meaning, and I really like the lyrics. I feel like they have a similar writing style to me, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. It’s nice to know someone is somewhat similar to me. They like alliteration, they have an interesting rhyming scheme, and use great imagery and words. I like the picture they paint.
I liked this song because I had a moment of clarity and truth this week. I’ve had a lot of personal questions about my life lately, and I wasn’t finding answers. I feel like I was constantly saying the same prayer over and over again and searching for answers. I talked to my mom and my sisters, and they all gave me similar but different answers. None of the answers really answered my questions, and I was having a hard time focusing at work and at home.
This week was my friend’s birthday, and she invited me to come stay at her house and celebrate with her. I took a day off of work and relaxed with my second family. I had long in depth conversations with like 3 different people over 2 days and it was just what I needed. They didn’t have the answers either, but they had similar questions with their own unique problems and answers.
As I was thinking about it later, I felt like I had found my answer. It kind of came throughout the day, and I think I for the first time in my life I truly understood forgiveness and repentance. These are things I’ve been taught my whole life, but I never had a lot of use for them. I try to live my life in such a way that I never make mistakes and live within a certain criteria for myself. Lately however, I’m realizing that that’s really boring and hard to do. My whole life people have told me to “Just go for it” and “Life is messy, make mistakes!” None of that ever appealed to me. My life might be boring, but it’s safe. Safety is more important than all of those other things.
However, in one moment this week my whole life changed. I had a desire to let go. I realized while I lived my life a certain way, that didn’t mean other people didn’t have free agency to do or say things that are extremely hurtful. I didn’t realize that I’d held on to those things for so long. I thought I’d let them go, but turns out I never really had. So in one big brave motion I stopped holding on to those things I thought I needed/didn’t even know I had. It was refreshing. It was revitalizing. My capacity to love opened up and most of my questions melted away.
People always talk about emotional scars. I guess that’s what I’d always pictured them as. When I relived something in my mind, I thought that I couldn’t change the way things went, or how I felt about them, because I was reliving a memory. Then this week I realized that most of our “emotional scars” are actually “emotional scabs.”
Think about it. Scars don’t hurt, usually. They do for a little while, but then you heal. Then it’s just a memory you occasionally think about when you see it, or when someone asks you about it, but really that’s about it. You move on and pretty much forget about it. Some scars even go away with time so you can hardly see them. You might have been afraid of them making you ugly, but over time they become a part of you and you can’t remember life without them.
A scab on the other hand can last a really long time. Sometimes it’s almost healed, and then you run into something, and it breaks back open. Or you want it to go away faster, and you’d rather have a light pink mark on your body than a hard black and red mark that everyone can see. Sometimes you try to cover it up, but some wounds really do never heal. Although, you usually don’t think about it until you have one of those scabs. With the right treatment however, it will go away, sometimes leaving a scar, but at least you are healed.
I didn’t realize that by reliving things from the past, or letting things that used to scare me keep resurfacing, I was only holding myself back. No one else could see these things, because they were personal, on the inside, but it took up a lot of mental time. Most of them I didn’t even know I had until a certain situation would come up, and then all of the emotions would come running back.
I heard this other song last week called “Miss Movin' On” By Fifth Harmony. It’s my favorite song right now. I keep finding all these awesome songs I’ve never heard before. Basically I plan to keep moving forward, and keep inviting people to join me on the journey. “It’s Independence day!”