Elysha's World

Elysha's World

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Miss Movin' On My Favorite Highway

It is crazy how fast time flies by! It’s already almost March. I read something interesting this morning. I know I’ve heard it before, but it meant more to me today. It was saying that we all are allotted the same amount of time in a day. We can’t hold time, and no one gets more hours in a day than anyone else. We can’t freeze time even if we want to. We waste and lose time we can’t get back. 
That’s kind of a scary thought. Actually when I picture time in my mind constantly moving forward, I think of the Mario Brothers game on Nintendo. I guess the levels I’m thinking of in particular are in World 8 I believe on Mario Brothers 3. The screen moves you forward and you can’t go back if you forget or miss something. You also can’t move forward until it’s time to move forward, then the screen will allow you to move at the pace it wants you to move forward. (That is a little of my nerdy side coming out. For those of you who didn’t have as great of a child hood as I, here is a video to explain the game and levels. One of the levels I’m describing is at the 2:18 minute mark. )

Another concept of time I like is in this talk by Elder Anthony D. Perkins. Lesson 2 in this talk always helps me keep time in perspective. We can't always see the things that are coming up next in our life, but God has a reason for that, and we just need to trust him. Here is a link to that talk! Nevertheless I Went Forth

My plans for today included sleeping in, cleaning the kitchen, organizing my room, catching up in my journal, and of course hanging out with friends. While cleaning the kitchen I heard this song on my Pandora and I fell in love with it! It’s called “Bigger Than Love.” I like the meaning, and I really like the lyrics. I feel like they have a similar writing style to me, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. It’s nice to know someone is somewhat similar to me. They like alliteration, they have an interesting rhyming scheme, and use great imagery and words. I like the picture they paint.

I liked this song because I had a moment of clarity and truth this week. I’ve had a lot of personal questions about my life lately, and I wasn’t finding answers. I feel like I was constantly saying the same prayer over and over again and searching for answers. I talked to my mom and my sisters, and they all gave me similar but different answers. None of the answers really answered my questions, and I was having a hard time focusing at work and at home. 

This week was my friend’s birthday, and she invited me to come stay at her house and celebrate with her. I took a day off of work and relaxed with my second family. I had long in depth conversations with like 3 different people over 2 days and it was just what I needed. They didn’t have the answers either, but they had similar questions with their own unique problems and answers. 

As I was thinking about it later, I felt like I had found my answer. It kind of came throughout the day, and I think I for the first time in my life I truly understood forgiveness and repentance. These are things I’ve been taught my whole life, but I never had a lot of use for them. I try to live my life in such a way that I never make mistakes and live within a certain criteria for myself. Lately however, I’m realizing that that’s really boring and hard to do. My whole life people have told me to “Just go for it” and “Life is messy, make mistakes!” None of that ever appealed to me. My life might be boring, but it’s safe. Safety is more important than all of those other things. 

However, in one moment this week my whole life changed. I had a desire to let go. I realized while I lived my life a certain way, that didn’t mean other people didn’t have free agency to do or say things that are extremely hurtful. I didn’t realize that I’d held on to those things for so long. I thought I’d let them go, but turns out I never really had. So in one big brave motion I stopped holding on to those things I thought I needed/didn’t even know I had. It was refreshing. It was revitalizing. My capacity to love opened up and most of my questions melted away. 

People always talk about emotional scars. I guess that’s what I’d always pictured them as. When I relived something in my mind, I thought that I couldn’t change the way things went, or how I felt about them, because I was reliving a memory. Then this week I realized that most of our “emotional scars” are actually “emotional scabs.” 

Think about it. Scars don’t hurt, usually. They do for a little while, but then you heal. Then it’s just a memory you occasionally think about when you see it, or when someone asks you about it, but really that’s about it. You move on and pretty much forget about it. Some scars even go away with time so you can hardly see them. You might have been afraid of them making you ugly, but over time they become a part of you and you can’t remember life without them. 

A scab on the other hand can last a really long time. Sometimes it’s almost healed, and then you run into something, and it breaks back open. Or you want it to go away faster, and you’d rather have a light pink mark on your body than a hard black and red mark that everyone can see. Sometimes you try to cover it up, but some wounds really do never heal. Although, you usually don’t think about it until you have one of those scabs. With the right treatment however, it will go away, sometimes leaving a scar, but at least you are healed.

I didn’t realize that by reliving things from the past, or letting things that used to scare me keep resurfacing, I was only holding myself back. No one else could see these things, because they were personal, on the inside, but it took up a lot of mental time. Most of them I didn’t even know I had until a certain situation would come up, and then all of the emotions would come running back. 

I heard this other song last week called “Miss Movin' On” By Fifth Harmony. It’s my favorite song right now. I keep finding all these awesome songs I’ve never heard before. Basically I plan to keep moving forward, and keep inviting people to join me on the journey. “It’s Independence day!”  

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A Little Bit of Me

I’ve felt not quite like myself for the last little while. I wanted so badly to be with friends, and to feel understood that I went wandering. I didn’t completely deviate from my path, but I found myself in a lot of awkward conversations, wishing I could go back to the way things were. I always want to relive the past, or fast-forward into the future. I’m not very good at standing still and living in the present. 

I heard this song the other day, and I really like it. I first heard it on the Disney move “Ice Princess.” I actually really like that movie, with all the cheesy creativeness of Disney. What can I say? I’m a sucker for clean chick flicks. It came on my Pandora last night, and it made me think of the lyrics…okay, so they’re super cheesy, and anyone could write them, but I think I mostly just like this song for the chorus. “I don’t want to be, no one, but me.”

At the beginning of this year I didn’t have any New Year’s goals. I find that if I don’t make goals, then I don’t feel bad when I don’t reach them. I know, what a bad example. Write down goals! Reach new heights! Despite my efforts to not want to grow and progress, someone had other plans. On New Year’s Day I was getting ready for bed, when I had this deep desire to write something down. I didn’t know what, but I know the feeling, so I grabbed my writing notebook, that just happens to have the faces of all the Jonas brothers on it,  and started writing. This feeling has continued every day this year. 

I tried once, like 4 years ago to write every day in February, and I failed miserably. I got halfway through and it was too hard. So I’m amazing that it’s been 42 days, and I continue to write something new daily. I know that’s not huge to anyone else, but it is for me. There are not many things that I do daily. I put my notebook on my chair, and when I get ready to go to bed I pick it up and write something in it, and then I go to bed. A lot of the time I’m really tired, and It’s 1am, so I just write some SUPER lame Haiku, but I write none the less.

I have a friend who constantly asks me when he’ll get to see some of my new writings, because I always only post old writings.  So I wrote something today, and I’m posting on here, mostly just for him, but also because it feels good, and can apply to anyone and everyone.

I’ve felt a little
Out of whack
On the wrong road
A bit off track

I focused my fears
On things near by
On level ground
Not to the sky

I turned up my music
Way too loud
I blended in
Went with the crowd

I somehow found
I’d blurred the lines
I said a prayer
Now I’m just fine

This peacefulness
Is so consuming
I’ve found the light
With darkness looming

Is just a choice
So pick your team
And find your voice

In the end
I think you’ll find
Things become clear
Once you’ve made up your mind.
Elysha 2/11/15

So there you go. A little bit of me. Take from it what you will. I always love to see where people take things that other people have written. I like to write on a number of levels, so that anyone can read this and relate to it in some way. This is not the best thing I’ve written, but I wanted to #sharegoodness 

Also, today I filled out the last blank page in my binder, so it's time that I start a new one. Yay for new beginnings!  

So I guess it's only appropriate for me to add my other favorite song from "Ice Princess" at the end of this post. It's got a pretty good soundtrack. It's okay if you fall down or deviate from your path, as long as you get back on your feet and keep trying.


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Dancing Through Life

Tonight did not turn out the way I planned. I thought maybe I’d go hang out with some friends, or watch a movie. I thought I’d spend some time catching up in my journal, write some poetry and maybe read my scriptures. (Not my usual Monday night, but sometimes it’s nice to just sit and think.) I was going to turn on some music before I started writing in my journal, but of course I always get distracted by Youtube.

 I’ve heard a lot about some Shia Labeouf music video, and I saw it on the home Youtube page, so I clicked on it. It was kind of bizarre, and I wasn’t sure where it was going to go. I really liked the contemporary dancing in it, and started reading the comments to try to understand the music video. Everyone had a different interpretation of it. I wasn’t sure if the girl dancing in it was Sia, or if it was just some little girl, so I clicked on the next video for “Chandelier.” 

That little girl, Maddie Ziegler, is an amazing dancer. I thought the choreography was beautiful, and showed a lot of emotion. I was born and raised a dancer, but I could never do half of the things she can do. I’ve never felt like I could portray all the emotion that dancing has the ability to show. I don't know if I couldn't, or if I wouldn't allow myself.  I’ve always thought that if I had to pick a dance style to express myself, I’d pick modern dance.  

 There was this movie that I watched as a little girl. It’s called, “I Wish I Were A Ballerina.” She explored all of the different kinds of dancing there were, and I would stand up and dance along. I’ve never taken a modern dance class, but I feel like I would like it. Then I would be weirded out by all of the other weird people in the class, and probably end up not liking it at all. 

When I was in high school I saw a really moving performance piece by a girl in my class to the song “So She Dances” by Josh Groban. It was a mix between modern/ballet dancing. It moved me. The way she glided and told a story/ painted a picture without saying anything at all. It was just her in a costume and a big empty stage. I don't know why I remember that moment so vividly, but she choreographed the dance and expressed herself while making a statement. It took my breath away. 

When I got to college I took a social dance class, and I learned to love to waltz to that song. Sometimes it's slow and you take little steps. Then the chorus comes and I'm moving around the dance floor in big steps while twirling around. It’s amazing how much you can feel/say without saying anything at all. Whether it be dancing, glancing, looking, staring, and looking down, anything really. I find body language fascinating, and I’m glad I got to study it a little bit in my major.  

I feel like I'm not accurately describing myself, so I thought I'd add this in here. I wrote it a few years ago to describe my elation when dancing. 

Living Out Loud

The rush of a movement
The thrill of a twirl
To dance all night long
Makes me one lucky girl

The laughter of loving
The squeal with a scare
Fright flees far from me
With doubt and despair

The colors collide
As the room disappears
While flipping and flying
So do my fears

I’m dropped and I’m caught
In one swift smooth motion
The thought of free falling
Is a fairly new notion

I careen on the dance floor
Yet glide in his arms
I give him my trust
That I won’t come to harm

I learn new steps
As I slither along
Every dance a new move
A new guy, a new song

My night is complete
Though my feet are now aching
My heart's in my hand
And it’s yours for the taking.

Elysha 7-1-10

Anyway, I started looking into who Sia was, because I’d heard the name before. When the new “Annie” movie came out, my roommate bought the CD and we listened to it a million times. This lady named Sia sang a few of the songs. She sang a great rendition of  "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile."  and because of her voice I figured she was some black singer like Ciera or one of the Pussy Cat Dolls that I'd never heard of. I was wrong. She’s more like Megan Trainor with a great rich voice, but she’s definitely white, and she’s a song writer. She wrote the song “Titanium” and “Shine Bright Like a Diamond.” Who knew right? 

I found this really long interview with her and Howard Stern. She seems super chill, and I love seeing where peoples writing comes from, and why they write. I’ve always had a strange obsession with lyrics. I get them. I understand them. I can have a weird connection with the writer and what they’re trying to portray. Well, a lot of what Sia writes just kind of comes out and down on paper in 40 minutes. I found that really interesting. I like how open she is about her life, her past, and her future. She seems pretty real to me. Here is a link to the interview.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnjLh39-Nhg (Disclaimer: It’s really long and does swear a little. I personally found it interesting, but it could potentially offend someone who listens to it. I found it very telling, and in all honesty I feel like I could sit down and have a great conversation with her.) 

I looked up the lyrics to “Chandelier” and the song made a lot more sense. I don’t drink. I never have, and I have my reasons for that. I have friends who drink, and they’re great. It’s made me think, however, what kind of a person I would be under the influence of alcohol. I’ve heard the way you act when you go “Under” for surgery is pretty telling as to what kind of a person you’d be when using drugs or alcohol. I’ve always pictured myself as a classy partier like Holly in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” However, I feel like I just know that I’d be like the lady laughing at herself in the mirror at the 2 minute mark. I think I’d be a hilarious at the beginning. Then the end would come and I’d be the same lady at the 2:30 minute mark crying to herself in the mirror. People tell me I'd be a light weight. I’d have a huge hangover and it wouldn’t be worth it in the end.

Anywho, it gave me a new respect for the “Chandelier” song. I also thought of another song that I feel would describe me if I drank. I’ve always liked the song “Sober” by Pink. Fun fact, Pink’s real name is Alecia. I’ve always loved the lyric, “I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence.
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth.” I feel like I’m constantly filling the silence in conversations. At least I used to. It’s kind of fun to see people squirm sometimes. I think it was this song that made me realize that there are a lot of things I like about myself, but there are something’s I’d like to change so that I’m not “that girl.” I also like the lyric,

 I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest.
Or the girl who never wants to be alone.
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning.
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home.”

It’s ironic that I got so much out of these two songs, when technically they don’t apply to my life at all. However, I think too much sometimes, so of course I found a way to relate to them.