Elysha's World

Elysha's World

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

My Worst Fear

My biggest fear used to be that I’d end up alone. I used to be afraid of the dark, I had to sleep with the hall light on for a long time. I’m still afraid of the loud flushing sounds in airplane bathrooms. I’m still afraid I’ll be sucked in. I’m afraid of being hit by a car, afraid of losing those close to me, and afraid of being poor. I’m afraid of a lot of things. 

For a long time I’ve let fear rule me. I’m not only afraid for myself, but I worry about others. I try to make their choices for them. I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of loving people too much. I’m afraid people don’t like me and find me weird. I don’t consciously think of all of these things every minute of every day, but they’re always in the back of my mind. It takes up a lot of energy. 

I’ve been in a weird place the last little while. I’ve been making huge lists of things I don’t want in my life, my future spouse, and in my future. It’s easy for me to say no, no, no. “I tell all the boys no, it makes me feel good.” When someone says no, they have the power. In my life, to myself, I very often say no. It’s a great way to keep myself safe.  I wrote this poem a few years ago, and it comes to mind right now. 

I pushed you away
And I took some advice
If you live on your own
You won’t have to think twice

I should have won
The Pulitzer Prize
For the newest ideas
And my masking disguise

I kept to myself
And I wrote a new song
With me as the master
Nothing ever went wrong

I pulled on some heart strings
But no one got through
I always decide
What you don’t and you do

I toyed and I taunted
But I never quite meant it
I got mad at others
When on my line they bit

I guess in the end
We reap what we’ve sown
By never letting you in
I still end up alone.
3/2/10 Elysha

I’ve been trying a lot for the last little while, to get out of my own head. To be better, to serve others, and not be so selfish. I don’t want to let my fears rule my life, but they’ve done a pretty good job up until this point. 

Today I got to give some service in my community. I got to help older women and younger women. I got to have some one on one time with quite a few of the women for a short amount of time. As each one of them passed, I started to forget myself, and my problems. I started looking at them, I searched their eyes, and I wanted to help them, to give them something to help them overcome whatever battles they were facing. By the end of the day I felt an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for each one of them. Some of them were beautiful. Their make up was perfect; they looked perfect. However under certain lighting they looked fake, tired, and insecure. Others had no make-up on. Some had freckles, acne, fake eyelashes. It didn’t really matter. I felt a sense of duty to these women. I wanted them all to see themselves as their Father in Heaven sees them. I wanted them to feel His love, and I was fortunate enough to feel that for a few moments. 

It reminded me of a time when I was serving my mission in Taiwan. I’d been there for about 7 months. My Chinese was still really a struggle for me. We went to a fireside and the chorister didn’t show up, so they asked me if I could do it. I looked awful, felt sick, wasn’t getting along with my companion, and the last thing I wanted to do, was stand up in front of a chapel full of Chinese people and lead the music. However I told them I’d help them. I don’t remember what song it was, but in the middle of the hymn, I felt this overwhelming love for everyone in the chapel. I felt love for the Chinese people and their culture. They’re so honest and candid. I’ve carried that feeling, that little piece of Heaven around with me since then. I think I get so caught up in my own life, I forget about it sometimes. 

Tonight I decided to try to break out of my shell, if you will. I enjoy spontaneity. The problem with that is if no one else likes to be that way, then you’re all alone, which is back to one of my biggest fears. When I got home tonight, I thought about the things that make me happy, things that make me smile, and things I enjoy doing. I enjoy movies. I love Bollywood films, and there just happened to be a movie called “Million Dollar Arm” at the dollar theater.
 I invited a bunch of my friends to go to the 10:30pm showing with me. No one wanted to go, not even my roommates. It made me miss my old college friends who would always do anything, at any time of night with me. So, I decided that I’d go, no matter what. I tried not to fear about going out alone after dark. I didn’t think about all of the what if’s. What if my car broke down again? What if I got kidnapped or raped? What if I sat by myself? Or worse what if a creepy guy sat by me and tried to hit on me. What if my phone died? What if a shooter came to the late night movie and shot us all. 
Guess what? I went anyway. Life is too short to worry about all of that. I didn’t get killed. No one even talked to me, or tried to sit by me. My car was fine, so was my phone. I enjoyed the movie, I was even inspired. I also realized that, most of my friends probably wouldn’t have liked the movie, and they would have talked through it. 

One big step for me, and one small step in a new direction! 

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