Elysha's World

Elysha's World

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

My Worst Fear

My biggest fear used to be that I’d end up alone. I used to be afraid of the dark, I had to sleep with the hall light on for a long time. I’m still afraid of the loud flushing sounds in airplane bathrooms. I’m still afraid I’ll be sucked in. I’m afraid of being hit by a car, afraid of losing those close to me, and afraid of being poor. I’m afraid of a lot of things. 

For a long time I’ve let fear rule me. I’m not only afraid for myself, but I worry about others. I try to make their choices for them. I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of loving people too much. I’m afraid people don’t like me and find me weird. I don’t consciously think of all of these things every minute of every day, but they’re always in the back of my mind. It takes up a lot of energy. 

I’ve been in a weird place the last little while. I’ve been making huge lists of things I don’t want in my life, my future spouse, and in my future. It’s easy for me to say no, no, no. “I tell all the boys no, it makes me feel good.” When someone says no, they have the power. In my life, to myself, I very often say no. It’s a great way to keep myself safe.  I wrote this poem a few years ago, and it comes to mind right now. 

I pushed you away
And I took some advice
If you live on your own
You won’t have to think twice

I should have won
The Pulitzer Prize
For the newest ideas
And my masking disguise

I kept to myself
And I wrote a new song
With me as the master
Nothing ever went wrong

I pulled on some heart strings
But no one got through
I always decide
What you don’t and you do

I toyed and I taunted
But I never quite meant it
I got mad at others
When on my line they bit

I guess in the end
We reap what we’ve sown
By never letting you in
I still end up alone.
3/2/10 Elysha

I’ve been trying a lot for the last little while, to get out of my own head. To be better, to serve others, and not be so selfish. I don’t want to let my fears rule my life, but they’ve done a pretty good job up until this point. 

Today I got to give some service in my community. I got to help older women and younger women. I got to have some one on one time with quite a few of the women for a short amount of time. As each one of them passed, I started to forget myself, and my problems. I started looking at them, I searched their eyes, and I wanted to help them, to give them something to help them overcome whatever battles they were facing. By the end of the day I felt an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for each one of them. Some of them were beautiful. Their make up was perfect; they looked perfect. However under certain lighting they looked fake, tired, and insecure. Others had no make-up on. Some had freckles, acne, fake eyelashes. It didn’t really matter. I felt a sense of duty to these women. I wanted them all to see themselves as their Father in Heaven sees them. I wanted them to feel His love, and I was fortunate enough to feel that for a few moments. 

It reminded me of a time when I was serving my mission in Taiwan. I’d been there for about 7 months. My Chinese was still really a struggle for me. We went to a fireside and the chorister didn’t show up, so they asked me if I could do it. I looked awful, felt sick, wasn’t getting along with my companion, and the last thing I wanted to do, was stand up in front of a chapel full of Chinese people and lead the music. However I told them I’d help them. I don’t remember what song it was, but in the middle of the hymn, I felt this overwhelming love for everyone in the chapel. I felt love for the Chinese people and their culture. They’re so honest and candid. I’ve carried that feeling, that little piece of Heaven around with me since then. I think I get so caught up in my own life, I forget about it sometimes. 

Tonight I decided to try to break out of my shell, if you will. I enjoy spontaneity. The problem with that is if no one else likes to be that way, then you’re all alone, which is back to one of my biggest fears. When I got home tonight, I thought about the things that make me happy, things that make me smile, and things I enjoy doing. I enjoy movies. I love Bollywood films, and there just happened to be a movie called “Million Dollar Arm” at the dollar theater.
 I invited a bunch of my friends to go to the 10:30pm showing with me. No one wanted to go, not even my roommates. It made me miss my old college friends who would always do anything, at any time of night with me. So, I decided that I’d go, no matter what. I tried not to fear about going out alone after dark. I didn’t think about all of the what if’s. What if my car broke down again? What if I got kidnapped or raped? What if I sat by myself? Or worse what if a creepy guy sat by me and tried to hit on me. What if my phone died? What if a shooter came to the late night movie and shot us all. 
Guess what? I went anyway. Life is too short to worry about all of that. I didn’t get killed. No one even talked to me, or tried to sit by me. My car was fine, so was my phone. I enjoyed the movie, I was even inspired. I also realized that, most of my friends probably wouldn’t have liked the movie, and they would have talked through it. 

One big step for me, and one small step in a new direction! 

Monday, July 21, 2014

Monday's Warrior

Sometimes I like to know everyone. Call it what you will, a blessing or a curse. Whatever it is, it took over my life today. I’m not complaining however, because I kind of loved it! The beginning of this story is really embarrassing; however, the more I think about it, the more I really want it to be the story that I tell everyone for the rest of my life of how I met my future husband. If not this story, then it has to be something as good, if not better.

 I didn’t feel very well this morning, so I put minimal effort into my clothing choice for today. In other words, I basically took 5 minutes, and put on clothes that I had worn on my mission. They look okay, but not anything special. I got to work this morning, and there wasn’t a lot for me to do. So I started observing what was going on, and tried to learn something. 

This guy walked in to be hired, and he used to work in the office. We’ll call him Jay. I talked to Jay last week on the phone, to ask him some questions about working, and to let him know he’d been hired. So it was nice to put a face with a name. He said I looked familiar. This tends to happen to me a lot, or vice versa where I know them. Because I couldn’t ever remember meeting him, I didn’t really try too hard to play " 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon," (for an explanation of this game, click here) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvQ-h6KTzCA even though it’s my favorite game to play with people. While he was filling out paper work, he was trying to figure out how he knew me. To try to make him feel better I said, “I’ve heard your voice before.” That just made him more excited. I finished with, “It seems we’ve talked like this before.” It was a Saturday’s Warrior moment if I’ve ever seen one. He definitely missed the reference however. So, my interest in him dwindled. 

Then he remembered: About a month before, my car had broken down when I was at institute, and I spent two hours in the parking lot/ church trying to figure out what to do. I went inside as a last resort to try to find someone, who would let me keep my car in the parking lot. There was a bishop and a guy in cowboy boots sitting down talking. The bishop looked up, and asked if they could help me. I tried to speak, but I was so frustrated and upset that I burst into tears. Not the highlight of my life. After speaking with the bishop for a little while, the nice guy in the cowboy boots gave me his number, and told me to call him, if I needed any more help or a ride anywhere. Flash forward to today…The guy in the cowboy boots, was the guy that used to work in my office, and was being hired for a new position next door. Jay. So if anyone ever asks, that’s how we met. I was a damsel in distress. “I’m a damsel. I’m in distress…Have a nice day!” 

That was the beginning of my morning. During lunch, I ran into an older lady who used to be an institute missionary when I went to Snow. I stared at her all during lunch, and finally went and said hello, right before I left. It was a wonderful reunion. 

Later I went shopping and this guy walked in, and we had a moment. Then he walked past, and he looked really familiar. I kind of stalked/ shopped over by him to make sure it was him, and it was. At the moment I can’t remember his name, but we went to EFY together like 7 years ago, and his best friends name was Spencer. I couldn’t get my courage up to go talk to him, so instead I went to check out, and as I did, he came over to get someone to open the dressing rooms for him. We stopped and awkwardly stared at each other, and then I turned around and grabbed my things and walked away. I think I’ve had a crush on him since EFY. I actually ran into him when I was in the MTC. I tried to awkwardly explain to him that I knew all of this stuff about him, because we’d gone to EFY together, and instead I think he just thought I was a freak. I didn’t want that to happen again, besides by that time I was wearing cut off capri’s and a shirt with a big heart on it…so I just shamefully walked away.

Last but not least, I stopped by one other store, and who should be inside? None other than my cousin and her husband. So I got to talk to them for about 30 min. I didn’t find anything that I liked at the stores, but it was good to get out, and freakishly run into people I know. So much for alone time.